How to Talk to My Spouse About Money

I was at an event recently when someone came up to me and discreetly asked me “how to talk to my spouse about money?”  Now, that is a tough one.  In fact, I sometimes think it would be easier to turn water into wine than it would be to get some spouses to communicate honestly and openly about money.

 

As a bankruptcy attorney, I have firsthand knowledge of this common situation.  Sadly, it’s a well known fact among attorneys that bankruptcy and divorce go hand in hand.  I’ve had many consultations where one spouse tells me “in confidence” that he or she has tens of thousands of dollars in debt that the other spouse doesn’t know about.  So, this is what I mean by asking if your pants are on fire.  It’s a tongue in cheek way of asking if you and your spouse are being honest with each other about you money situation.

This situation can fall into a couple of different categories.  For example, are you hiding shopping bags in the trunk of your car or having online or catalog purchases mailed to you at work to keep your spouse in the dark about what you are spending?  Or, is the problem a difference of opinion about how to manage your money?  Maybe you want to retire early and move to Sri Lanka to study the mating habits of camels but your wife wants to invest in her ever growing obsession with celebrity shaped potato chips.  It could be that your husband manages the finances and leaves you in the dark, whatever your situation is, if you are having trouble communicating with your spouse about money, this blog post is for you!

 

You should know that I have personal experience with this, too.  When I was a kid, my parents filed for bankruptcy and a few short years later, my mother divorced my father.  I know for sure that money was a factor in their divorce.  One of the reasons I chose bankruptcy law is that I saw how much it helped my parents when my family desperately needed it.  I think it’s fair to say that one of the top 5 reasons people get divorced is because of money troubles, wouldn’t you agree?  I’m thinking yes, you would!

 

So, what to do when the dollar sign sleeps between you and your spouse at night?  Well, I think the best way to start trying to figure this out is by deciding whether or not you think your relationship is worth saving.  Sometimes money problems are just a symptom that something else is wrong and sometimes they simply fall into the category that no one is perfect.  Do you see the distinction? 

 

If, aside from your financial situation, you are relatively happy with your spouse, then you can focus on techniques to keep the financial situation under control while keeping the relationship alive.  On the other hand, if your money problems are just one of your issues, it may be time for you to think about choosing an altogether different, solo path.  My experience is that we already know which category our relationship falls into.  We usually know it intuitively.

 

However, if you need a little help with clarity on this topic, here are a couple of things to keep in mind that might make the situation a bit more clear.  First, remember that you are not your money.  Do not make the mistake of believing that your identity has anything at all to do with your net worth.  Happiness is an inside job!  You have to find peace and contentment within yourself.  If you can’t do that, then there’s your starting point.  You can’t have a successful relationship with another person if you don’t have a successful relationship with yourself!  Of course, this is also true for your spouse!

 

Second, do you know who Randy Pausch is?  He was the computer science professor at Carnegie Mellon University who gave a talk he called the “Last Lecture” after being diagnosed with terminal cancer.  If you haven’t heard of him or seen him giving this lecture, you need to get on Youtube and watch it.  Seriously.  You should do it like, right now.  It’s over an hour long but completely worth the time.  Watch it with your family on the big screen television in your living room, with a giant box of Kleenex.  It really is life changing!  This guy got it exactly right.  He knew what was important to him and he poured his remaining life energy into teaching others what matters most in life.  He is funny, poignant and powerful.  I highly recommend it for helping you figure out what matters to you, the money or the relationship?

 

One of the most profound things Professor Pausch says in his lecture is that you should never, ever put things before people, and he is right.  All material things come and go, including money.  People, and the relationships we have with them, should be valued and prioritized more than all the gold in Fort Knox or all the tea in China. 

 

How does this figure into you and your spouse’s money problems?  Think about it like this, if you’re grinding your spouse into the ground on a regular basis because he or she is a little lazy about ATM receipts or forgets to pay the cable bill once in a while, you may need to check yourself before you wreck yourself. 

 

On the other hand, if he or she takes your mortgage payment and buys drugs with it even one time, you have my permission to take care of business in any way you see fit, (uh, short of doing anything violent like clubbing him or her over the head with a shovel, of course).  If your spouse doesn’t think enough of you and your kids, if you have any, to stop engaging in behavior that jeopardizes your family in any way, you have much bigger problems than past due mortgage payments.

 

The long and short of it is this, you first need to know whether or not the relationship is worth saving.  If it is, there is always a way to resolve the problem.  I’ve seen people get this situation under control and it usually involves a complete separation of your finances, or some type of agreement about dividing them up.  It is possible, it can be done.  It takes planning and effort but, I’ve seen relationships saved by both parties being completely independent of each other financially. 

 

I’ve also seen relationships break up because one party can’t get it together and the other is tired of being disrespected by their spouse’s unwillingness to change.  Only YOU will know where that line is in your relationship.

 

Finally, to answer the person who asked the question in the first place, the best way to talk to your spouse about money is in a loving, respectful way.  Don’t wait until he or she gets home from a hard day of ditch digging for Cruella Deville, Inc. and then drop the snarling hammer of death on a tired, hangry head, (and yes, hangry is a word, it means you are angry because you are hungry and I know you know what I mean!). 

 

Wait until Sunday afternoon after you are all churched up, then send the kids to grandma’s house, slip into your non-church nightie and approach it delicately, with finesse.  If you talk to each other in a manner that shows you care for the other person, even when things are hard, you’ll be able to move mountains! 

 

Now, get out there and feel the love, I know you can do it!

 

Sincerely,

Joy Alford-Brand

Your Dollar Lama

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