Having Trouble Paying the Bills On Time?

Oopsie!  It’s a Confabulation!

 

The dictionary defines the word confabulation, in the context of psychiatry, as “the replacement of a gap in a person’s memory by a falsification that he or she believes to be true.”  Psychiatrists believe this happens when the patient suffers a “disturbance” that brings this condition on.  I believe there are actually different levels of confabulation and that we all confabulate to some degree and this is one reason one might be having trouble paying the bills on time.

 

Now, I’m no psychiatrist but, I think it works kind of like this… If you’ve been conked on the head and woke up believing you are Jesus Christ or an alien from the planet Dagobah, then you suffer from the classical form of confabulation espoused by psychiatrists.  However, if you honestly believe that doubling up on your Spanx will camouflage the fact that you’ve been on a Snickers kick for the last 6 months, you suffer from what I call “confabulatis commonalis” or common confabulation.

 

Before we go any further, it’s really important to understand that this act of confabulation is usually NOT INTENTIONAL.  I really think that for the most part, we aren’t even aware it’s happening to us.  In fact, the plain English term for this is “honest lying,” meaning we truly believe it and we aren’t aware it’s a lie.  Of course, there are times when we are lying to ourselves intentionally.  That’s not what I’m talking about here, though. 

 

I’m talking about those times when we truly believe something that genuinely isn’t true, like really fat guys who wear Speedos on the beach and believe they look good.  My sincere apologies to Speedo wearing guys the world over, but you get my point.

 

I first heard this term from Brene Brown and I immediately recognized it as a fancy way of saying something I already knew to be true.  We humans do a weird thing.  We make things up and then we believe them as though they were fact.  In other words, we lie honestly. 

 

I should say that generally, I don’t think we do this on purpose, (I’m sure some people do, but that’s another issue altogether).  Of course, I can’t say for sure but, I think this technique is something our primitive brains used in the past to help us avoid danger.  For example, “if I don’t run fast, that Saber-toothed tiger lurking behind that rock over there will eat me!”  Whether or not there was a Saber-toothed tiger in mid-lurk behind that rock.  Nowadays, we still have that instinct without the wild environment.  I’d say chances are pretty good you won’t run into a T-Rex at the PTA or the Stop-N-Shop, wouldn’t you agree?

 

Unfortunately, us humanoids haven’t managed to figure out that we’re basically co-conspirators in our own faux tragic comedies.  You may be asking yourself what in the world is she talking about and what does this have to do with managing our personal finances? 

 

Well, I think when it comes to money, it’s super easy to trick ourselves into believing something that isn’t true, generally through no fault of our own.  I’ve seen this phenomenon before, many times.  In fact, I think it’s a fundamental reason why people have trouble controlling their personal finances.  It’s compounded by the fact that our society encourages us to consume from a very early age.

 

We are indirectly taught that the only real measure of success is material in nature.  How does that happen?  Well, we teach our kids to get the best grades so they can go to the best colleges and get jobs paying the most money, right?  We teach our kids this because we are trying to prepare them for the wild, so they can take care of themselves and BE HAPPY, I think we can all agree that is true. 

 

However, the most important part of the message gets lost in translation.  What we really want is for our kids to BE HAPPY, healthy and worry free, but what we inadvertently wind up teaching them is that material wealth equals success.  We are helped along down this road by our consumer based economy and television commercials showing you how much happier you’ll be if you just buy that iGadget, SUV or the sports package from your satellite dish provider. See, there it is!  Confabulation of the financial kind!!  Insert shocking horror sound effect here.

 

Okay, now that we know it’s out there, how do we combat it?  It’s a sneaky one, that common confabulation.  You start by identifying it or knowing you have an issue with it.  To help with this, I’ve compiled a list of common red flags that indicate financial common confabulation is present.  If you identify with one of these red flags, you might be suffering from common confabulation of the financial sort.  Here is a short list of red flags from the subtlest to the most blatant:

 

#5.  “I’ve never cared about money.”

Well, denial isn’t just a river in Egypt anymore.  What this boils down to is passing the buck (no pun intended!), by sticking your head in the sand.  You are trying to get others to buy into the idea that it’s not a requirement to be financially responsible while still dialing your iPhone with one hand and eating your Big Mac with the other.  If you live off the grid, cut your own wood and source your own toilet paper from the earth, you are not the person I am talking about so, my apologies!  In fact, I applaud you because you are truly spending your life energy to live in a very direct way.

 

I’m talking about the otherwise capable, adult person who lets someone else take responsibility for paying life energy for their existence.  I say it this way because money is a physical representation of the life energy you trade in order to get Big Macs and iPhones.  When you equate money with time spent working, or life energy, you become painfully aware of what it costs when someone is not financially responsible.  In the Great Depression, people said it like this, “if you don’t work, you don’t eat.”  Can I get an amen?

 

#4  “I have to keep up appearances.”

I am not talking about having pride in yourself.  I think that is a good thing that we can all benefit from.  I’m talking someone who needs to maintain appearances so that they can maintain a standard that was set by someone else or that they imposed on themselves to impress others.  Another way of saying this is “keeping up with the Joneses.”  I see this happen a lot for any of the following reasons (note, this is NOT an exhaustive list):

1. When people want to hide the fact that they are in financial trouble from others. For example when they have wealthy parents who have let them know in no uncertain terms that they set the achievement bar for them when they were born.  “Failure is not an option!”  Or the unrealistic struggle to keep family property.  “This land has been in my family for years!  My father worked hard to get it and I have to keep it.”  When you feel like you just can’t let anyone know you’ve failed.
2. Being dishonest with one’s spouse. I’ve seen this a lot.  If you are hiding purchases in the trunk of your car, you probably have bigger problems than money management.
3. Believing your community status brings with it a certain level of material wealth.  “I’m an important person in the ________ (fill in the blank), so I should be driving a ________(fill in the blank).”
4. Believing you have to fake it until you make it. I believe in this mantra, but only in a psychological sense.  So many of us suffer from the impostor syndrome and this mantra is one tool you can use to help you maintain until your experience matches your status.  I know this is true because as a young lawyer, it took me years to be comfortable in the courtroom.  While I was becoming more experienced as a litigator, I worked to maintain the appearance of confidence on a daily basis.  I was faking it until I made it!  However, this mantra does not mean you should be spending money you don’t have to appear as successful as you want to be in the future.  It’s not a justification for huge amounts of debt for things that you really don’t need other than for the sake of appearance.

 

#3  “It’s not my fault.”

This one is like getting poked in the breadbasket with a sharp stick.  It’s uniquely painful because it reveals the fact that we as a species have trouble admitting failure.  I am pleased to announce that the avoidance of failure is a trait shared by all normal humans.  I would wager that not one single person in the world wants to admit we’ve failed.  Why?  Because, we let our ego tell us that failure makes us appear weak and vulnerable.  It’s a fear thing that we latch onto in the schoolyard and have trouble letting go of for the rest of our lives.

 

Having said all of that, I do have to say that most of the time, our financial disasters could have been avoided if we had access to better financial information at any point in our lives. 

 

Again, I think we are woefully under-educated as a society when it comes to money.  Our financial mistakes can appear very small in the short term.  However, if you tack on 15 or 20 years, a financial molehill can become a mountain and the next thing you know, you’re hurtling down the shame spiral with the only thing between you and rock bottom being someone else to blame.

 

The truth is that blame, just like most fear, is a waste of energy.  You are far better served by channeling that energy into an effort to change your patterns and behavior so you can get your finances under control in a sustainable way.  You should also know that you haven’t done a thing financially that can’t be addressed moving forward.  Remember, you have to start somewhere and small actions matter.  You may not be able to change the past but you can work to make the future better starting right now!

 

#2  “I work hard and I deserve it.”

Well, maybe you do and maybe you don’t.  Think about it like this, does your family deserve you slogging away at a job you hate, or working 2 jobs to pay for it?  Do you deserve the sacrifice, stress and angst that goes along with the debt you have to take on to get it?  Does it own you, instead of you owning it?

 

After all, what do we really deserve?  We deserve to be treated as human beings, with equality and dignity.  We also deserve a fair chance, that I know for sure.  What we make out of that chance is up to us.  Saying we deserve material things is a slippery slope.  You have to temper that reasoning with the understanding that going into debt for something that is not a necessity, just because you feel you deserve it, can be very irresponsible. 

 

We live in a world where we carry computers in our pockets and we hurtle through the air in padded seats at 30,000 feet while we travel from one end of the country to the other in a few short hours.  Our lives are already so much easier than even one generation ago.  How brazen of us to say we deserve more!

 

#1  “I want my kids to have the childhood I never had.”

I saved this one for last because I hear it, or some form of it, all. the. time.  It’s also the hardest to tackle for obvious reasons.  In our society, our kids mean everything to us.  They bring us immeasurable happiness, pride and joy.  For many of us, they are our reason for living. 

 

Full disclosure, I don’t have any kids, but I was a once kid with parents and grandparents who meant the world to me.  I do have nieces, nephews and friends with children I adore.  I fully realize how much our families matter to us and bring to our lives and I am thankful for that bond.  I think it makes our society stronger, in many ways.  Strong, healthy families make for thriving communities and that benefits everyone.

 

I am also all for wanting our children to excel and succeed.  Along that line, I agree with giving our children a happy childhood.  However, if you asked your children what makes a happy childhood, they would probably say spending time with you.  What they might not be able to express is that the things they want most are your time, attention and love.  These are things that do not cost money and that money cannot replace.  No iGadget, car, Kate Spade bag or Air Jordans can take the place of time spent with your child.

 

This is also true when your kids go to college.  I’ve had clients with huge amounts of debt, who could truly benefit from bankruptcy, tell me they would not file if it meant they couldn’t take out loans to send their kids to the college of their choice.  I agree that it’s important to educate our children, without question.  BUT…  having been the child of parents who were not great at managing money, take this from me, the best gift you can give your children is securing your own financial future.  This relieves them of the burden of worrying about whether or not you’ll be taken care of when you can no longer work. 

 

Listen to me, DO NOT sacrifice your retirement to send your kids to college, either by cashing it out or failing to save for it in the first place.  Your children have more time to pay back their student loans than you will have to accumulate funds for retirement, capiche?  Instead, take your kid to museums or fishing on the weekends.  By a gazillion Legos and build a full size replica of the Death Star in your backyard.  Teach them how to paint or how to break dance (pop and lock it, baby!).  Spend time with them at church, become a scout leader, coach their curling team, whatever it is…  Be there and be interested and you won’t have to worry about giving them a wonderful childhood because you already will be.

 

So, there it is.  The five biggest red flags of confabulation in a nutshell.  I hope you are reading this and seeing it for what it is, not an opportunity to judge but a chance to become more self aware.  To know better and then do better.  I’ll follow up on how to combat financial confabulation in later blog posts but until then, I have faith in you!  Now go forth and confabulate no more!

 

Sincerely,

Joy Alford-Brand

Your Dollar Lama